oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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