I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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