If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
