It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
