I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
