I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
