Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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