Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
