your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
