I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
