the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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