She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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