i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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