dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
