I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Two words: nipple clamps
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