we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
