I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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