So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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