My girlfriend figured out who you are.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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