wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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