oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
