as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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