he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
zippers are such a cool invention
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
