I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
