it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
