my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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