i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
