I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
