My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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