You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
