Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
