My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
