It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
