I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
