I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He felt like a one man threesome
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
