i already hear my dad disowning me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
