i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
