I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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