Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
