Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
