I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
