had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
