this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My penis needs a shock collar
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
