sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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