We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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