I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
