im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
