My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
