my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
