My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
